Working with “Stuckness” in the Therapeutic Relationship – Relational Use of Self

Therapist's relational use of self

Reflections ahead of Workshop 2: May 12–13, 2025

Many therapists, counsellors and mental health workers often wonder about self-disclosure (me included)— when (or whether) to use it, and how it might land. It’s a real and relational dilemma.

From a Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT)-informed perspective, what we’re exploring isn't just self-awareness, but something broader and deeper: relational awareness. That is, the capacity to reflect on how we are experienced in relationship, and how this shapes — and is shaped by — the other person’s relational history.

This is a bit like mentalisation, but with a distinct focus on patterns of relating. In CAT-informed work, we’re interested in how people expect to be related to, based on how they have been related to in the past — and how this expectation can shape or distort the way someone receives even well-intentioned gestures.

For instance, when a therapist/counsellor says,

“It feels like we might be a bit stuck here — and that’s a concern for me,”that might be a genuine, transparent moment of relational sharing — a therapist naming their own experience in the relationship.

But for some people, this can land as criticism or even pressure — as if they’ve disappointed the therapist or are being told to try harder. These misattunements don’t mean we’ve done something wrong, but they do offer an opportunity: to slow down, reflect, and explore how things are being experienced in the room.

In Relate and Reflect's upcoming Workshop 2, we’ll be focusing on exactly this:

• How we use ourselves, relationally, in our work and the theory behind this.

• How we reflect on what’s happening between us and our clients, especially when things feel stuck.

• How we can compassionately name, check, and reframe our relational intentions in the moment.

Something like:

“When I said we felt stuck and that I was concerned, I wonder if that might’ve come across as a kind of pressure, like I was telling you to do something or change something. I am sorry about that as know you've had a lot of pressure to be something else in your life”

This kind of shared reflection promotes not just insight, but connection. It’s a way of using ourselves to model relational awareness and to create space for the client’s experience, even when it’s different from what we intended.